'the struggle' - what is my gender?

Antlers
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'the struggle' - what is my gender? Apr 13, 2015 18:22:23 GMT

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Post by Antlers on Apr 13, 2015 18:22:23 GMT

Hi there,

first of all, thanks for this amazing forum!

(English is not my native language so sorry if there are things that sound weird)

I came here because I'm very confused about my gender and can't figure out what I am actually. I have female body parts and was very tomboy-ish as a child. I only played with boys and didn't like "girly" things at all. When I was about 13-14 years old, I was jealous of all the pretty girls that were thin and considered beautiful so I tried to change my appearance to blend into the society. I didn't feel bad about this back then, I didn't care about gender, sex or anything related to that. After that I was slowly persuaded to be more "girlish", to wear dresses, to wear make up and so on. My older sister (27 y/o) and I are both goths so she helped me to find beautiful dresses and gothic clothes so we could look awesome in every goth club. When I was 16-17 I loved to dress up in long victorian dresses with all the 'girly' goth stuff and I loved getting compliments about how "sexy" I look like. For the first time in my life I fellt really good about myself and even got a boyfriend for 6 months. When I turned 18 I slowly got sick of all this girly stuff.. and when I turned 19 I exchanged dresses for pants. I suddenly started to hate being feminine.. but I don't know why. I didn't like how I looked like, I hated my long hair and my girlish face. So I cut my hair (7 months ago) and stopped using make up. I then fell in love with my androginity because I have a really male-looking face I never noticed before. During the last few months I changed a lot about myself and bought binders. This was the best decision in my life because with them I feel fully comfortable with myself. I stopped using she/her pronouns online some time ago, now I'm they/them. I like the thought that everyone believes I'm a male and I also prefer when my girlfriend describes myself as her boyfriend. Still, I don't know if I want to be male. I don't want male body parts, I just want to look like and being seen as one. Also: this whole "transformation" helped me to deal with my depression a lot. I suddenly feel.. happy. And calm. And I believe that things will get better (after being horrible for the past 5 years). On the other hand I started to experience dysphoria. On some days I feel terrible for having a female body and female body parts, I even thought how it'd be like to get a top surgery one day.

Now the huge question: What am I? I really need advice because I finally want to know what term describes my gender.

I feel like a "fake" because this whole thing started when I was 19, while everyone else seems to get these feelings when they're much younger. Is this what I feel about myself even real or am I just "confused"? Thoughts like this make me wanna cry. Honestly, I don't feel like I belong anywhere because of that. I'm afraid that everyone will judge me when I suddenly, after nearly 20 years, say that I don't feel like a girl anymore. Everyone's gonna laugh and shake their head. To know that there are therapies to help one to deal with this negativity is comforting, though. If my dysphoria gets out of my hand I'll probably consider a therapist.

How would you guys describe my gender? so far I described myself as Non-Binary because I don't seem to fit to anything else. Sorry if I seem too lazy to look up possible gender identities myself.. I just believe it's better then someone with a huge knowledge helps me out

Thanks for reading!

Misfit Reindeer
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'the struggle' - what is my gender? Apr 13, 2015 18:42:55 GMT

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Post by Misfit Reindeer on Apr 13, 2015 18:42:55 GMT

This sounds really similar to what I was going through.

You're not a fake. I only found out that this was the case when I was 20. Many people figure out later on. You're not confused at all. If you feel like non-binary fits, I would say go for it!

Founder of Benji's Closet and king of the reindeer. He/his pronouns.
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alex
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'the struggle' - what is my gender? Apr 13, 2015 18:57:32 GMT

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Post by alex on Apr 13, 2015 18:57:32 GMT

Hi! First of all, none of your experiences are less valid due to your age when they started. I didn't start experiencing doubts or dysphoria until I was 16, and I used to think that my experiences were invalid because I never had any feelings of "wrongness" with my gender as a child, but I've since met a number of people who didn't start identifying as trans until much later than that, and I've come to terms with the fact that everyone has different gender experiences at different ages, and they are all valid.

I can't really describe your gender for you, but non-binary is a valid stand-alone identifier, so if you feel comfortable IDing as that, stick with it! Here are some other non-binary genders that may seem right to you: if something, does, I'd recommend looking into it more and getting some definitions aside from my own.

Bigender: a gender which includes any two distinct gender experiences, either simultaneously or alternately/fluidly. i.e. you may be bigender between male and neutrois

Demigender: someone who only partially (not wholly) identifies as x gender (demiboy/demigirl). they may or may not identify as another gender in addition to feeling partially x gender. (in your case, the word would be demiboy or demi-male)

Genderfluid: an identity that is fluid between gender experiences, i.e. identifying as female for a period of time, then agender for a period of time, etc. Can include any number of genders.

Genderqueer: a catch-all term for non-binary identities that can also function as a single identifier for someone who cannot/does not need to describe their gender more specifically.

I hope that one of these terms will resonate with you, or inspire you to seek out more knowledge. Ultimately, only you can know what your gender identity is.

genderfluid, panromantic demisexual. they/them pronouns.

Misfit Reindeer Administrator why why Posts: 380 Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"http://p1.pichost.me/i/56/1801702.jpg","color":""} Mini-Profile Name Color: ffffff Mini Profile Text Color: ffffff	'the struggle' - what is my gender? Apr 13, 2015 19:09:03 GMT Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Misfit Reindeer on Apr 13, 2015 19:09:03 GMT Wonderful response, alex!
	Founder of Benji's Closet and king of the reindeer. He/his pronouns. Benji's Closet Tumblr + Mute Publishing Tumblr

Antlers
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'the struggle' - what is my gender? Apr 13, 2015 19:44:59 GMT

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Post by Antlers on Apr 13, 2015 19:44:59 GMT

Thank you SO MUCH for the answers! I feel much better now, knowing that it's not bad at all to experience it later than as a young teenager.

Alex, this is amazing. All of these identities seem to fit me in some way but the when I read about Demi-male I was all like "This is me!!" which made me really happy all at once. I guess Demi-male also means that when I only feel partially male, the other "half" can be neutrois as well? In that case I'm not sure whether I feel both (partially)male and neutrois the whole time or if it changes from time to time. Gonna keep an eye on this matter and do some notes everyday

I will think about that during the next weeks and then hopefully I will be able to find a term that makes me both comfortable and happy.

I'm so glad I found this forum via tumblr. You helped me a lot, thank you <3 If there is anything else I need to get off my chest I'll consider asking you guys again for advice!

Best wishes

Misfit Reindeer Administrator why why Posts: 380 Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"http://p1.pichost.me/i/56/1801702.jpg","color":""} Mini-Profile Name Color: ffffff Mini Profile Text Color: ffffff	'the struggle' - what is my gender? Apr 13, 2015 20:35:31 GMT Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Misfit Reindeer on Apr 13, 2015 20:35:31 GMT I definitely encourage you to take notes and do a journal sort of thing. It's great for keeping track of mental health.
	Founder of Benji's Closet and king of the reindeer. He/his pronouns. Benji's Closet Tumblr + Mute Publishing Tumblr

'the struggle' - what is my gender?

Post by Antlers on Apr 13, 2015 18:22:23 GMT

Post by Misfit Reindeer on Apr 13, 2015 18:42:55 GMT

Post by alex on Apr 13, 2015 18:57:32 GMT

Post by Misfit Reindeer on Apr 13, 2015 19:09:03 GMT

Post by Antlers on Apr 13, 2015 19:44:59 GMT

Post by Misfit Reindeer on Apr 13, 2015 20:35:31 GMT

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