Post by bucky barnes on Jun 4, 2015 21:28:33 GMT
Ok, so, up until about a year ago I identified as a cis girl because that was how I was raised. I started questioning about that time and later came to the conclusion that MAYBE I'm a trans boy.
Here's the problem. I'm constantly questioning myself and my gender and now realizing that I feel as much of a connection to he/him pronouns as I do to she/her pronouns- which is to say, little to none. There is faint connection when it comes to my identity, but nothing to solidly put me in either camp. I realize that this may mean I'm non-binary or agender, but that's really hard for me to conceptualize? I guess I have to explain.
I live in a bigoted household. I am only out as trans to a couple of close friends and definitely not out to my parents as even just bi. I was raised by people who have made bigoted comments in front of me and scorned the LGBT+ community before I even knew exactly what that was (because I didn't learn about LGBT+ people, really, until like 6th grade when I went to public school for the first time after being homeschooled).
This has given me a lot of internalized transphobia, and that makes it really hard for me to even think I may be a gender outside the binary. I know that I'm not cis. I think. But I don't know how to figure this out.
I constantly question myself, thinking, "I'm just doing this for attention," or "I just want to be different," which I know is a heap of bullshit and terrible for me to think, but that doesn't stop me from thinking it.
People always say, "Wait until you figure it out before you label it!" and I'm trying, but I can't even figure it out at all and lacking a proper label is extremely distressing for me. I guess I, I don't know, like organization in that stuff? So not knowing what I fit under is really hard.
So yeah. I don't feel much connection to he/him or she/her pronouns, I don't feel much connection to binary genders (other than possibly a connection more to female because that's how I was raised and my internalized transphobia hates when I try to stray from that), and I don't know what to think or even how to properly conceptualize the idea of a non-binary gender or complete lack of gender. I just. Can't hardly think of it in my mind.
I still have over a year in this house, and I can't experiment with my gender openly, and just doing it on my blog doesn't work because my followers hardly ever send me asks, let alone call me by the name I chose when I thought I was done and settled on ftm transgender.
Please help.
Here's the problem. I'm constantly questioning myself and my gender and now realizing that I feel as much of a connection to he/him pronouns as I do to she/her pronouns- which is to say, little to none. There is faint connection when it comes to my identity, but nothing to solidly put me in either camp. I realize that this may mean I'm non-binary or agender, but that's really hard for me to conceptualize? I guess I have to explain.
I live in a bigoted household. I am only out as trans to a couple of close friends and definitely not out to my parents as even just bi. I was raised by people who have made bigoted comments in front of me and scorned the LGBT+ community before I even knew exactly what that was (because I didn't learn about LGBT+ people, really, until like 6th grade when I went to public school for the first time after being homeschooled).
This has given me a lot of internalized transphobia, and that makes it really hard for me to even think I may be a gender outside the binary. I know that I'm not cis. I think. But I don't know how to figure this out.
I constantly question myself, thinking, "I'm just doing this for attention," or "I just want to be different," which I know is a heap of bullshit and terrible for me to think, but that doesn't stop me from thinking it.
People always say, "Wait until you figure it out before you label it!" and I'm trying, but I can't even figure it out at all and lacking a proper label is extremely distressing for me. I guess I, I don't know, like organization in that stuff? So not knowing what I fit under is really hard.
So yeah. I don't feel much connection to he/him or she/her pronouns, I don't feel much connection to binary genders (other than possibly a connection more to female because that's how I was raised and my internalized transphobia hates when I try to stray from that), and I don't know what to think or even how to properly conceptualize the idea of a non-binary gender or complete lack of gender. I just. Can't hardly think of it in my mind.
I still have over a year in this house, and I can't experiment with my gender openly, and just doing it on my blog doesn't work because my followers hardly ever send me asks, let alone call me by the name I chose when I thought I was done and settled on ftm transgender.
Please help.
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